Chaos in Theory Volume 13…
I can’t believe I’ve done thirteen of these already without managing to offend everyone in the world in at least one way or another. Clearly, I am not working hard enough. Let’s see who we can chase away today:
First, our musical selection:
Interpol – Obstacle 1 (From the album “Turn on the Bright Lights”)
- Since I’ve been married, I have become a terrible wingman. Didn’t always use to be that way. In fact, I use to be an ideal wingman, being that I was generally less attractive than most of my friends, therefore posing no real threat as a poacher, yet wasn’t creepy looking enough to scare away any big game. Also, while I wasn’t always comfortable approaching woman on my behalf, I was always willing to talk my friends up and break the cold arctic ice on their behalf. This has all changed. There are two main reasons for this:
1. I have learned to place a much higher premium on my right to laugh than my boys’ right to get laid.
2. If I can no longer have any chance at random, nameless sex, well then goddamnit, no one else can either.
Rule number one has manifested itself in many different ways. For instance, I once watched a buddy make solid progress over the course of a dry martini with a good solid 8 at a quiet bar. At the seemingly right time, I walked over and naturally elbowed my way into the exchange, and waited patiently for the first break in the conversational rhythm. When said break occurred, I turned to him very seriously and said “Yo, you remember the other day when you were telling me that all woman are whores? I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think that’s true. “
For reasons passing understanding, no one calls me to hang out anymore…
- Is there a bigger cock tease in the world than the ongoing “Real Sex” series on HBO? For years, every time it’s on I figure it’s worth checking out, even though I know it’s only cable so all its gonna ever be is the back of a bobbing head, or blurry sex where the girls long hair always gets in the way of the good stuff. I am bitterly disappointed each time though, cause all it ever is old fat unshaven lesbians who are in the latex labia manufacturing business. Or a behind the scenes look at a 70 and older nudist colony in the mountains of West Virginia. Lame. Oh, and folks: You are gonna be naked on TV so how bout familiarizing yourself with the business end of a razor? Or a hedge trimmer at least…
- Check out this news story that most of you have probably already heard or read about:
OK, for those of you that are scared that this is the beginning of a zombie apocalypse: Fear not. I have beaten all available Resident Evil games for Playstation. So if anything happens, come over by me. I am clearly qualified to handle such a crisis. Unless they are Xbox zombies. Then we’re fucked.
For those of you that are welcoming the zombie situation: Relax, Sci-Fi geek. Even if it is, there is still NO chance of you getting to bang either Milla Jovovich or Kate Beckinsale. Go back to your Big Bang Theory reruns…
- Last week was Fleet Week in Manhattan, a yearly tradition where Navy warships dock in Manhattan and sailors on leave spend the week not only lining the pockets of strippers all over Times Square, but also moistening the middle-aged vagina of every bored housewife on the Upper East side. Every year, I can ‘t help but notice how navy sailors really got the shit end of the stick when it came to Armed Service member uniforms. Listen, when I see a group of Marines in their dress blues coming towards me on the street, I avert their gaze because they always look like they could disembowel me with an index finger and a dirty look. A group of Navy guys always look like they are about to break into a musical song and dance number. I respect you guys, and I know you are tough as shit, but Christ, you really drew the short straw on this one…
- Many times I am not thrilled at how much time my job requires me to spend in, ummm, let’s just say, “urban” areas (Translation: Lots of black guys that scare me.) However, there are times, albeit rare, that it is truly entertaining. Like the other day when the black guy behind me in line at a Bronx 7-11 was trying to return, get this, the second chocolate cookie bar in an opened Twix wrapper. Why, you ask? “Dudn’t taste right.” Fucking classic. I have no idea how it turned out because the clerk was giving the guy some shit about it and I always assume black guys are going to shoot someone so I high-tailed my lily white ass out of there before an AK round destroyed my Super Big Gulp…
- There can be no doubt how much both my kids mean to me. They are the only things I take seriously in life and are always on my mind. However, there are at least three times every single day that I wish my three-year old son would just shut the fuck up. Christ, he just never stops…
I should go. I imagine there is a Navy Destroyer somewhere poised to fire a Tomahawk missile right up my ass…
Menace To Society…
(I figure by now, about 7:30 PM EDT on Memorial Day, you have had your fill of Facebook statuses lauding the efforts of our soldiers by people who will now spend the next 364 not giving a shit about world events. So I want to give you something else to chew on for a while…)
I will readily admit that, every once in a while, it’s a little difficult to find inspiration for a new post around here. Sometimes there just isn’t that much going on. Other times, however, a subject almost literally falls into my lap. This is one of those times.
Let me start by giving you a little background on how this subject came to my attention. If you are a parent, you should be, no, fuck that, NEED to be following Lenore Skenazy. Lenore is a syndicated columnist and the HNIC (Look up the acronym at Urban Dictionary if you never saw “Lean On Me”) over at the Free Range Kids movement, which promotes raising children by giving them enough space and opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it means (Gasp!) incurring some pain and heartache along the way. Needless to say to anyone who has spent anytime reading my parenting rants, I am a huge supporter of this philosophy. So anyway, yesterday on Twitter, Lenore (@Freerangekids) tweeted (Does anyone else get the douche chills saying the word “Tweeted”? No? Just me? OK…) a link to a blog post written by a mom on a blog site called “Mamapedia”. The link is here. I posted a link so that you can read the whole thing. This way, I can’t be accused of taking things out of context by just pasting specific quotes from the post. Also, I am about to eviscerate this idiot, so I figure I could at least pump up her views a bit. Go ahead and read. I’ll wait here…
You back? OK, good. Let’s roll…
What a complete fucking menace this woman is. I have so many issues with the horror show that is the author that I want to take them step by step:
as I played with my toddlers in the sandbox, the man continued to sit there with kids playing all around him. It dawned on me something might be off when I realized I hadn’t seen anyone engage him the entire time we were there – no child, no adult. Usually at a playground you can match kid with parent/nanny/ responsible adult fairly quickly, right?
First of all, supermom, stop pretending you were engaged in your kids activities. You weren’t. You were too busy checking out the scene. You were too interested in matching up each kid with a guardian to be paying any attention to what your kids were doing. You were ignoring your kids. It’s OK, I ignore my kids at the playground all the time. But be honest about it.
When not playing with our children, we are sitting nearby on benches with snacks and sippy cups and only occasionally checking our phones…
Anyone else’s bullshit detector go ape shit when she says she was “only occasionally” checking her phone?
What was he doing here? Did he suffer from Alzheimer’s? Dementia? Or worse?
Here’s your answer, sweetheart: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! He’s a guy sitting on a bench in a park. He’s not engaging your kids, not staring at your kids, not blowing sweet kisses to your kids, not trying to persuade your kids to jingle the change in his pants pocket. He is sitting on a bench. Get over it.
Maybe he did have Alzheimer’s and needed someone’s help. Or maybe it was something creepier and I could have called the police.
Stop pretending you had any concern at all for this guys well-being. Like you gave the slightest hint of a shit whether or not he had Alzheimer’s. This, like I imagine everything else in your life, was all about YOU. And call the police? And say what? That a guy is sitting on a bench in a park and didn’t take the time to justify his presence to you? That’s some God complex you’re waddling around with.
She then goes on to tell us of another situation, later on, where she did actually approach an imaginary pedophile…
He sat at the far end of the playground, on a bench, and looked down at his cell phone the entire time. No kids came near him.
Great. Now a guy in Minneapolis can’t sit outside playing a little Angry Birds without being confronted by this retard.
I walked over to the man and asked him which kids were his. He was immediately defensive and essentially told me it was none of my business.
Lady, this was best case scenario for you. “Essentially” told you to mind your own business? You are exceptionally lucky that the stranger you approached wasn’t a guy like me, cause I would have verbally assaulted you in such a horrifying way that you would have been left a whimpering pile of tears and phlegm on the rubberized playground floor…
He finally got up and walked me over to the other side of the playground where his what looked to be 12- and 13-year-old son and daughter were playing. They saw us and looked up quizzically as we approached. “Dad?” they said.
To which I would have replied ” Kids, listen up. I’m sure by now you have heard the word “Cunt”, but probably aren’t old enough to know what it really means. Now, I don’t ever want to hear you say this word, but you should know that this (points at woman), this is a cunt. You may now return to your tether-ball game.”
All of this leads to the defining grand finale:
What did I learn? You know, I honestly would do it again.
Of course. Just when you think this may be a cautionary tale of a mom learning not to be judgmental and paranoid to the point of mania, she assures you that she learned nothing. Not a goddamn thing. And that she, and many others like her, are lurking in a park near you.
This woman is a menace to society. This is exactly the kind of parenting that has led to a generation of over-indulged, obnoxious little assholes with an undeserved sense of entitlement. This woman is causing far more damage to her children than any stranger in any park, regardless of his background or his intentions. What her kids learned that day is that they have the right to question anyone, even if that potential predator is simply an old man on a bench, who is not posing any threat to them at all. They learned that their right to be fucking nosy far outweighs anyone else’s right to be left alone. Wow, what pieces of shit they are bound to grow into.
I wish I knew this woman personally. I would love to follow her around and constantly question who she is and what she is doing. Maybe she walks into a Home Depot and is walking down the aisle where grill supplies are sold. Maybe I could loudly question why a woman is alone in an aisle that sells items that are generally used by men. Is she there for a lighter? Is she there for a lighter so she can light neighborhood dogs on fire? As a dog owner, don’t I have the right to know what she is doing looking at grill supplies?
You know who this woman is? She is this woman. (Cue flashback)
And this woman:
Below the post, in the comments section, someone posted something interesting in response. I can’t seem to find it now to paste and give credit to the person who researched it, so I have to paraphrase. The research this guy quoted stated that something like 70% of stranger abductions were committed by women. So this jackass lady doesn’t even know how to profile correctly.
Look, I have no problem being completely aware of your surroundings when out with your kids. In fact, a woman should be aware of her surroundings whenever she is out, kids or not. But to feel entitled to question a perfect stranger because of your ill-conceived judgements and small-mindedness is so arrogant, even this arrogantSOB is stunned. What exactly are you protecting the worlds children from ? A miniscule abduction rate, one that is inflated by a fear mongering media? Were either of the gentleman you victimized gonna try to fingerbang your little angel right in front of you in the sandbox? No. So let’s call this what it is: A busybody bitch feeling compelled to get involved in someone else’s business. Someone creeping you at at the park? Take your kids and go home. Unless someone is in imminent danger, which was not the case here, that is your only reasonable option.
And if a well dressed older man on a bench in a park talking to no one should have warranted a call to the cops, who do you think she would call if a young black guy was on her block not hanging off the back of a garbage truck? The Marines? Interpol? George Zimmerman?
And I love how she pats herself on the back for looking after, not only her own, but all children. Lady, I would sooner let my kids spend an unsupervised week at Neverland Ranch (Well, especially now that he’s dead) than spend a half-hour playdate with you. God knows what toxic fear and bigotry you would poison them with.
Oh and her tagline at the bottom of her post?
Helen Smolinski is a mother and once sat behind Madonna at a movie.
Shit, where’s John Wilkes Booth when you really need him? Could have solved two problems in one theater…
P.S. Freerangekids.com is Lenore Skenazy’s website and has loads of great information and posts. Check it out…
Like this:
Listen Up…
For some reason not entirely clear to me, I just spent a few minutes going through some old Facebook posts of mine and found this. It was a chain letter, essentially, that was being passed around a while back that asked for the top fifteen albums of all time. Thought it might be worth sharing. The instructions at the top stated to just list fifteen albums, but because I am me, and I NEVER use ten words when 25 are available to me, I added a brief reasoning in parenthesis after each album. Feel free to add your own, or criticize me. You should know, though, that anyone who disagrees with even one of these albums is wrong, plain and simple…
15 Albums
1. Everclear-Sparkle and Fade (The Bible, essentially)
2. Tool-Aenima (60 minutes of non-stop creative genius and sociological angst. If you can’t see the brilliance here, I dont think we should be friends anymore)
3. Orbit-Libido Speedway (The greatest album you’ve probably never heard. Do yourself a favor…)
4. The Pixies-Doolittle (Any Pixies album would have been fine here, so I just picked the first one I listened to)
5. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Fever To Tell (The lead singer is the hottest ugly woman on the planet…And the guitar riffs are ridiculous)
6. Bad Religion-Stranger Than Fiction (All of my opinions on politics, society, and organized religion began to form the first time I heard this band. So blame Greg Graffin, not me)
7. Ani Difranco-Dilate (Some of the angriest, and most beautiful, vocals I have ever heard)
8. Nirvana-Nevermind (I know its cliché, but its a classic for a reason)
(Image withheld. Posting pictures of baby wieners makes me uncomfortable)
9. Pearl Jam-Ten (See Above)
10. Everclear-World of Noise (Raw. No other way to describe this perfectly under-processed masterpiece)
11. Our Lady Peace-Naveed (Gotta love Canada: Bacon, Molson, Hockey, Our Lady Peace, Michael J. Fox…Wait, what?)
12.Placebo-Without You I’m Nothing (This album actually makes you want to freebase heroin…I’m not exactly sure why)
13.Radiohead-The Bends (Thom Yorke is the one guy I wouldn’t even hesitate giving a blowjob to. Just saying…)
14. Red Hot Chili Peppers-Californication (I know I’ll get a fight out of this, but I just think it’s better than Blood Sugar Sex Magik)
15. Morphine- Cure For Pain (This album was the first time it ever really occurred to me that you don’t need a guitar to make rock n’ roll)
(Return to May whatever, 2012) Honorable mention: Since this list was published a few years ago, Arcade Fire had not yet released “The Suburbs”, which is a fucking fantastic album. I cannot yet include it on this list though, because it is only a little over a year old. I’m like the baseball hall of fame: Gotta be at least a few years old so I can see how the album holds up over time and how it fits into historical musical context.
Why In God’s Name…
OK, I’m back. What’d I miss?
Sorry for the prolonged silence. I don’t mention them as much as I do the Dolphins, but the New Jersey Devils are another passion of mine. So I have been fully enthralled in the NHL conference finals, which pits the team I have followed devoutly since I was two against the team I have hated passionately for roughly the same time. Hating the Rangers is a full-time job in itself, especially since their fans are the same breed of mouth-breathing, Mongoloid retard that follow the New York Jets around during football season. But let’s get back to business, OK? (Oh, and there is a certain irony in me beginning this post by swearing my allegiance to the Devils, but that isn’t completely clear to you…yet.)
I am an off-again-on-again listener of Don Imus, the morning rush hour “shock jock” currently aired in New York on 770AM (A right-wing politically driven talk radio station) and syndicated nationally. I am not a huge fan. I mean, he is a pretty funny guy and usually has some interesting guests, so why not, right? Now, his wife is a dangerous, ignorant twat who gives trophy wives a bad name and he has become more and more right-wing conservative since his earlier days, but Opie and Anthony are on satellite radio, which I refuse to pay for, and I can’t listen to sports talk radio all the time, so now and again, I’ll tune in to the “I-man”.
One of his guests this morning was Father Johnathan Morris, a member of the New York Archdiocese, and a frequent contributor to the Fox News Network, which means I hate him on many, many different levels. Specifically, he spent some time discussing the Catholic church’s views on things like gay marriage and in-vitro fertilization. The churches outrageous views on these topics are where we are going to spend a few moments now.
It is no secret to those that really know me, and now to all of you, that my three-year old twins are the product of a succesful In-vitro fertilization procedure. So you’ll understand when I listen to a highly regarded leader in the Catholic community tell a national radio audience that my kids, and the many out there just like them, are an abomination to God, my first and lasting reaction is to shout “Fuck you, Father. And Fuck your God.”
What is it about my kids that is so fucking offensive to your spiritual sensibilities? How do two children, who are loved and cared for as well as any other child on this planet, interfere with the practice of your religion? My children are polite, respectful, compassionate, tolerant and loving. More than I can say for many of your congregation.
You know, the congregation that spends it’s time berating eighteen year old girls outside of abortion clinics.
The congregation that believes Homosexuals should be imprisoned behind electrified fences and starved to death. (Like this piece of shit.)
The congregation that protests homosexuality at the funerals of deceased combat veterans, and tells the fallen soldiers loved ones that they are dead because “God hates fags”.(Link here, but be warned, it will make your blood boil.)
And let’s not just pick on the Catholics, they certainly aren’t the only ones that “God” has directed to do horrific things…
Oh, and the good padre’s reasoning for the churches stance against in-vitro? The belief that all children should be “the product of the love between a man and a woman”.
Pardon me, asshole. My children are the product of two years of doctors appointments, and blood tests, and ultrasounds. My children are the product of a mother who wanted them so completely and desperately that she subjected herself to years of pokes and prods and hormone injections with needles so large it made her insulin dependent, three-needle-a-day husband cringe. My children are the product of a father who had to continually have his sperm tested and analyzed. (Turns out jerking off in a sterile doctors office five feet outside of a crowded waiting room is exactly as sexy as you’d think, by the way.) My children took more love, and dedication, and persistence, and tears to create than most that you have ever met. So when I hear you say that they aren’t the product of love between a man and a woman, it makes me want to cut your fucking legs off with a plastic butter knife. How dare you?
Isn’t it time for us to evolve past God?
I understand the need for God a few millenia ago. We were still new to the planet. Science, and reason, and logic hadn’t really had their day yet, and the ancient villages needed some way to explain the unexplainable. But that isn’t the case now. Now we have science. Now we have technology. Now we have explanations. Do we really still need “God” to point out what is right and what is wrong? I don’t follow the Bible, or any religious teachings, yet I still know what it takes to generally be a good person. I don’t kill, or steal or lie (OK, that was a lie). I don’t need a book filled with fantastic fables and thinly veiled threats to tell me to be a good person. I had parents who did that. As I intend to do with my children (Who are half-Jewish anyway, so it’s not like the Christians were ever gonna welcome them with open arms, no matter how they were conceived.)
I look at religion the same way I look at sexual orientation: “I don’t give a fuck what you do on your own time, just leave me out of it.” You wanna get on your knees before bedtime and ask the invisible man in the clouds for favors? Be my guest. Why would I give a shit? But keep it to yourself. How my kids came to be is none of your damn business.
Now on to gay marriage: Again, why does it matter to you? How do two people publicly announcing their love for one another affect your day in the slightest? It’s always been amazing to me that the church is so vocally opposed to acts of homosexuality until it involves their priests blowing altar boys. Then all of a sudden they take a strict vow of silence.
And in regards to the churches ban on birth control: Rest assured that if altar boys could get pregnant, the church would be handing out condoms like communion wafers.
Your God is dying. And the quicker the better. Because your God is a judgemental, insensitive bigot. And while the people of Earth continue to grow in compassion with each passing generation, our need for your God is diminished.
And I will continue to lump you moderates in with the extremists that claim to represent you until you flush those that preach hatred and violence from your ranks like you would a fungal infection that grows under your toenails. Your silence implies approval, and you are a part of the problem.
Now the fun part. Where the religious assholes tell me how loving their God is, and how he will smite me to an eternity of fire and pain for my views. I love irony…
Matron Saint…
Chaos in Theory Volume 12…
Slap and Tickle…
Poking and prodding teachers is kind of a hobby of mine. Two reasons for that, really. The first being that their general over-sensitivity to criticism is so goddamn entertaining. The second is that my wife is a teacher, and I enjoy nothing more than poking my wife. (Yes, I meant that literally and figuratively.) However, for every couple of slaps, I like to abide them with a tickle or two. Ladies, prepare to be tickled…
My dearly beloved teaches first grade in a pretty rough public school, in a really tough neighborhood. She has come home with horror stories which, at first, I always thought were made up because of her vivid imagination and her oppressive addiction to methamphetamines (not really). Through the years, however, I have come to understood the bleak reality that can be her average workday. Recently, one of these stories enraged me.
Apparently, a boy in another class, a rambunctious 7 or 8-year-old, bolted from his classroom, and ran down the hall. When another teacher attempted to stop him, he spit on her and tried to push her down the stairs. The part that really pissed me off? The day before this same little asshole threw a sharpened pencil like a dart at the teachers assistant in the room. Luckily, the projectile pierced her sweater and nothing else. So this all begs one simple question:
Why shouldn’t teachers be entitled to the same workplace safety that we all have a legal right to?
My employer, in the private sector, is legally required to provide me with as safe a working environment as possible. If a co-worker of mine physically assaulted me one day, and was in a position to do the same, or worse, the very next day, I would have a pretty fat legal settlement coming my way. Do our teachers deserve less? Why is a student who attacked a teacher with a sharp object on a Monday allowed back in any classroom, with no punishment or treatment, on Tuesday?
If my wife were hurt, seriously or not, by a student with a violent past because the school system was too incompetent, or gutless, to deal with the problem head-on, I would encourage her to sue for millions. Yeah, millions. Because she is entitled to go to work everyday and feel confident that those that hold her in their employ have done everything they possibly can to provide her with a risk-free work environment.
Now if we don’t give a shit about the teachers safety, which apparently we don’t, how about the other kids? My feelings as a husband are dwarfed by those I would feel as a parent of a child in that school. If my son or daughter came home telling a story of a classmate throwing sharp objects around the room, you better fucking A believe that I would demand that that kid not be allowed anywhere near my kid. Bullying is one thing. Violent anti-social behavior is another case altogether.
“But SOB, what about the kid. Clearly he needs help and you can’t just throw him out.”
Short answer? I don’t give a fuck. Put him in a detention center with the other future criminals. Why should a classroom of children and teachers be put at risk because of a misguided compassion for one little fuck-up? What kind of education can my kid be getting when the teacher has to spend his or her entire day either dealing with a psychopath, or living in fear of one?
I hope a teacher does get mildly assaulted. And I hope that teacher sues the balls off the school district, the town and the state for fucking millions. I hope the legal settlement is so offensively large that schools are forced to wake up and protect their employees in unprecedented ways, including expelling the disrespectful little bags of shit that threaten them daily.
Teachers didn’t sign up for this. These aren’t corrections officers that should expect to deal with nonsense like this on a daily basis. They don’t deserve to be spit at, and shoved, and assaulted, and disrespected by those they have devoted their lives to serving. Let’s weed out the garbage and let those that have chosen to teach our youth provide that service safely and securely. And let’s give the kids that want to learn every chance to do so, even if it means casting others out in the cold.
I don’t give a shit what the government says. Some kids should be left behind…
(I am SO getting laid for this…)
